February 19, 2012
The Kill

"Yeah, sometimes I miss you, don’t you?  I do that thing where I’m in one of those moods, you know, and I wonder what you’re doing, and I think about what we would be doing if things were different.  And I look at my phone and realize how easy I could just pick it up (sometimes I do) and just call and I wonder - you’re going to think it’s so dumb! - if my picture will come up, you know, the one you took of me in, what was it? 2003?  Yeah, I wonder, your phone will ring and you’ll see my picture, you know, and you’ll think for a moment whether or not you should answer it.  I mean, I would if I saw your name on the caller ID.  But you do answer, and I can’t hang up because you’ve seen who’s calling, and all I’ll be able to say is hi and how are you and can we talk…that sort of bullshit.  And you’ll be great, and you’ll ask me things that I’ll answer and we’ll laugh - that’s the best!  We’ll laugh and we’ll leave off saying things like we ought to get together and we should maybe see a film and get coffee and things we criticize people for saying because they don’t mean it because we don’t mean it, and we’ll each go back to our lives, thinking and feeling good things, but imagining we’re each better off without the other, still glad one of us reached out, and go and forget all about it in a few days or so.  Anyway, that’s what I think.  And I saw you walking across the Boulevard the other day (my god, I should’ve said something to you that day!).  I don’t know where you were going.  You had your headset on and you were fiddling around with your ipod.  But I didn’t say anything to you and you were just across the way, and now, here I am, telling you I’ve been thinking about you since then and I feel a little dumb.  But I guess that’s part of it, isn’t it, feeling dumb and stupid for missing a person?  Sort of comes with it, I guess.  Did you ever have the same feeling?  Jesus, listen to me, going on and on.  I’m nervous, what can I do.  It’s been a while and you have this way of making me feel like I’m a thirteen year old boy at a dance: awkward and strange."

He says, “You know, if you untie me, this would be a lot easier.”

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