January 24, 2012
Open Mouth

I thought it was an ingrown hair just next to my scrotum.  I’d feel it, a little tender, just right there where sometimes I like to scratch just because if feels more than fine.  It didn’t hurt at first so I figured it would eventually pop on its own.  But as time went by, I’d forget all about it until I was in the shower, until I jerked off.  And it was growing, but I didn’t pay it any mind soon after I noticed it … again.

Eventually, it was the diameter of a quarter and the bump felt hard.  So I worried.  Or began to worry.  Whatever.

It didn’t hurt but I wondered if this was cancer.  Should I take a needle soaked in alcohol and pop it?  “Doctor visit?” I wondered once aloud while in line at the grocery store.  I looked at it with a mirror, I’d lean in while sitting to see it, feeling around the edges of it - tender but no pain.  It wasn’t red nor was it like a giant zit.  Imagine a ping pong ball underneath your skin.  Imagine those weirdos on the internet with implants.
And then I’d forget about it once more.

It became large enough for me to notice it when walking, and I decided, fuck it, time to see a doctor.  Called my insurance to find a decent doctor, took the day off work, cancelled a date I’d made with someone whose name I couldn’t remember.  I was readying myself for the worse, and the worse was cancer.  I don’t know why, but that’s where my brain landed.

In the shower the day of my doctor’s visit, I was so nervous.  I wanted to just take a knife and take care of it myself.  The bump between my leg and nutsack still grew hair and still didn’t hurt and still didn’t just go away.  I toweled off, and sat on the toilet naked, with a mirror to see how bad it must look.  So strange, looking at myself this way, thinking that I don’t want a doctor to think this growth on me is strange looking.  Fuck, right?  So, I’m looking at myself in the mirror, at the cancer I think I have, and I can feel it more and pulsate with my heartbeat. 

That’s when I dropped the mirror because I couldn’t take this feeling, and I couldn’t take the fact that as I’m looking at myself - lifting my nuts off to the side to get a better look - this bump that’s been growing painlessly on me opens up slowly but just natural enough, like an eyelid lifting open, and reveals a mouth with black teeth smiling at me.

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