You know, I like quick and sudden. Surprises rock, and there isn’t anything quite like rightnowthisverysecond-now. Because this one moment is true and glorious: the sun is that way. Sometimes, /tentative/ doesn’t cut it but when it must, what happens is the brakes screech, metal on metal, and STOP!
It comes to mind impulse is underrated. Likewise, I’m thinking forethought; plans, you see. Anyway…
What sometimes I seem to lose is perspective on what counts for me. The othe day, while on the phone, my best friend asks me what do I want; what counts, as it is. I scrambled for a longterm answer, not for an immediate one. I wonder if this means anything (really, most of all, you always should ask why of yourself daily), and I don’t think so. She aks me and everything happening at that moment is all that matters, nothing else (frankly, I didn’t feel particularly well that day last week). And even if I don’t think any of that matters - the future - why does it feel as if it should?
I dont do angry. I don’t do guilt. I don’t do impossible. It just takes me a bit longer.
A cigarette later, still doesn’t matter.
Because I make it count. And it may be a little embarrassing and a bit unnerving and a moderate disaster, but I’ve lived long enough and seen enough to let the future weigh me down. It all comes down to now. Because even the most glorious future becomes the past.
Not angry and I think I should be. Not sad and I think I should be. Not inert and I know I won’t be.
Could haves, you know?
I’m going to have another cigarette and read my book and drink my coffee. Rightnowthisverysecond.
“I want experiences, not memories.” - Douglas Coupland, ELEANOR RIGBY
