hail, hail

today was supposed to be our fourth anniversary and i am pretty devastated. still.

he said he didn’t like how different we are and that he couldn’t commit to me. he said he felt he needed therapy. he said he couldn’t be emotionally attached even though he wanted. he never said he was sorry.

he’d told me in the past that he was convinced i was going to leave him. he said he thought he would come home one day, in new york, and i’d be gone. he told me he thought the same when we were in dallas - he said he even confided to his boss of this fear.

two months ago, he tells me this.

he told me before, too, he’d been wanting to ask me to marry him since new york.

what he never acknowledged was that through all his thoughts and bullshit, i was always there. i never left or even thought about leaving.

and three years ago i discovered he’d been sleeping around.

and i told him this. we had fights and open discussions about this. and still i never left.

because i am a fucking fool.

and he’s never apologized.

i am the reason why he’s successful and happy - i changed my life a thousand times because i wanted him to be happy. and i am a fucking idiot for it.

i did what i advice people NOT to do and i stayed when a significant other became insignificant. and i didn’t see it that way, then, because maybe i could’ve done more, become more.

i should have left when i first knew how unfaithful he is, when i discovered how much of a liar he is. but i didn’t because i am naive enough to believe love is all you need. i am that person. love is everything: i’m cynical and awkward to a fault but love is the answer to everything.

this man, he hurt me in ways that when others tell me about their own situations, i castigate then for staying with their partners. i feel entirely betrayed by the one person i thought i could count on the most.

i should’ve left him - as he always feared - but love is all i needed.

he’s ruined me in very fundamental ways and i can’t function.

even now, we’re still living together and he’s traveling and fucking around and he has not one whit of regret. or at least he certainly makes me feel that way. he scrolled through his phone near me recently and that goddamned grindr app, you know?

i should have left. i should have left and i didn’t and this fucking man destroyed me.

i am living somewhere i don’t want, doing work i don’t necessarily care about, incurring financial hardships i never wanted because i thought love is all you need. and it wasn’t enough for him.

he says he goes to therapy and i doubt it.

i have been doubting everything about him for years and i stayed because i am a naive fool.

did he ever love me? if he did why did he hurt me so? how can you claim to love a person and ruin them? just because that person doesn’t know they’re being damaged doesn’t make it right.

and i stayed.

and he’s never apologized.

fools, the both of us.